Michelles London Life

Nulliparity - Friday, October 21, 2005(old post)

I've alway's maintained that i'll never have children. Most people who hear me say this insist that it's just a phase and that i'll change my mind. Mmmm... we'll see. I'll put up an update every 10 years and then we'll find out.

Several months ago a friend of mine found the below article in the newspaper and gave it to me to read because she thought it sort of described me. It's quite funny too, at least, from my perspective it is.

Then today i was perusing the blogs that i read and i noticed a post by A.J.Chesswas entitled 'The Intelligent Woman' - this post prompted a lot of comments and was most entertaining. I love reading a good blog debate. Anyway, it got me thinking about how i'm a nulliparae, and i checked Google to see if there was an online version of the article, and there was! It's a bit long, but worth a read, here it is...

I'm not ill or nasty, I just don't want to be a mum
(Filed: 31/05/2005)
Kate Battersby explains why she feels absolutely no desire to have children - and why there's nothing wrong with that

It's because I'm ill, you know. And selfish. My illness makes me selfish. Or my selfishness makes me ill, I'm not quite sure. But I'm definitely ill and selfish, anyway. I'm also strange, and probably nasty. My illness is not catching, but increasing numbers of women have it. It's called nulliparity. Chambers Concise Dictionary defines a nullipara as a woman who has never given birth to a child, especially a woman who is not a virgin.Twenty per cent of British women fall into this group; moreover, 20 per cent of British women in their thirties have specifically opted to be childless. The very word "childless" suggests loss or absence, and I can't imagine how painful it must be to yearn for children while being unable to have them. But I don't yearn for children, or find them fascinating and adorable. I never wanted them, and am grateful to be able to exercise my choice.The many who are evangelical about breeding are dismayed, bewildered or offended by my decision. Inevitably, I'm required to explain. "Why not? Do you hate children?" "Don't you have any maternal instinct?" "Is it a physical problem?" "Isn't that terribly selfish?" After that comes: "You'll regret it", or "You'll change your mind." The diagnosis never changes. This is just a phase and I'll get over it, either in time to rectify matters; or not, in which case I will get the lacerating unhappiness I deserve.The idea that I've made a positive choice is apparently very strange indeed. But like grave-digging or shelf-stacking, motherhood is not a job I ever wanted. So I was glad to contribute to a new book by Nicki Defago, a former senior producer of Newsnight and deputy editor on Radio 2's Jeremy Vine show. Nicki, 39, is not a lobbyist or campaigner for the child-free. But as a married woman who has chosen not to have children, she wrote Childfree And Loving It! when she realised that not a single relevant book existed on the subject."Amazon offers more than 1,000 titles on the single subject of what children eat," she explained. "But if you are resolutely child-free, or even undecided about starting a family, you'll go hungry."Naturally, the Americans have been tuned in to this trend for years. Over there, the 42 per cent of women without children can read lorryloads of books on the subject, all featuring contentedly upbeat titles separating motherhood from female identity: Sweet Grapes; Pride And Joy; Cheerfully Childless; No Kidding; and my own favourite, Families Of Two. I have a family quite separate from the one I was born into. I mean the family comprising myself and my partner, the kind of family ignored by politicians. "The thing that really makes me rabid is Gordon Brown's £250 gift to every new baby," foams a friend. "I strongly believe that there's a communal interest in the tax system. I have no problem with universal health and education systems, or with targeting support where there is need. I do have a problem with giving money to kids' savings."There aren't any breaks for people without children. At work, flexible contracts are offered to those with children, or to carers. These are entirely legitimate. But their work doesn't go away. Cover has to be found for it, and those who give it are not recognised. Meanwhile, when I broke my leg in six places, my partner was refused carers' leave and made to feel very uncomfortable."We nulliparae sound cross, don't we? Well, we are cross. It's just one more negative characteristic to add to the list. Personally, I bristle when being informed I will soon see the light and change my mind. It seems quite reasonable to reply: "Really? Is that what happened to you after you had children?" Then the evangelicals look offended, because my reply is indeed intended to offend, in the hope that they will spot how offensive their question is to me. But they never do. Hence I am not only ill and strange, but also nasty.And then of course, I have a dog. Guess what? The mummy mafia smile knowingly, and diagnose a child-substitute. Sigh. Pay attention at the back. How can a dog be a "substitute" for something I don't want? I love my dog in his own right. I want him specifically."Ah, but a dog won't change your life. Children will," lecture the mummy mafia. Sawing off my legs would change my life, too. I just don't feel any urge to try it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtmlxml=/health/2005/05/31/hmum26.xml
&sSheet=/health/2005/05/31/ixhright.html
posted by Michelle @ 2:24 PM

6 Comments:
At 5:19 PM, October 21, 2005, Lrav said...
I must try to remember this term. Interesting.I guess the main thing I think about when a women tells me that she has chosen not to have children is her motivation. I shall try to be more accepting in future but I am fully biased because I love children.The more I sit and ponder the more I question my view point, un-thought out as it is. As an immediate answer, I would have said that, for example, if a woman did not want to have children because it would affect her figure, It would not be a good reason. But thinking about it, I support freedom of choice, and if that is a big motivating factor I would be a hypocrite to argue against it.That all said and done Michelle I remember the time that you asked Lis to have your children for you, Hmmm?

At 2:04 PM, October 22, 2005, Michelle said...
That was a joke! I also wanted you guys to raise them for me remember? That was motivated by thinking about not leaving some of my DNA behind to continue living when i die. That's the down side of not having children. But, if i really get worried, i can always donate egg's to a fertility clinic and can die happy with the knowledge that somewhere out there some stranger has some of my DNA. Hahaha :-)

At 3:26 PM, October 24, 2005, Lis said...
Yeah I don't see what the big deal is about women not having children. If she doesn't want them, then it is probably best she doesn't have them, otherwise there will be children brought up by resenting mothers - not really the best type of parent. I know that I eventually want to have children, but that doesn't make me look down my nose at other women who don't. And I would like to think that if I was unable to have children then I wouldn't have to deal with the same treatment. Lrav, stop spreading rumours that Michelle wants to have babies with me, it's not a good look :).

At 9:30 PM, November 01, 2005, A. J. Chesswas said...
It just seems so sad. Are you sure you don't have some unresolved issues or something (I know I sound patronising). But, you know, the warmth of a mother's love is a miracle and it would be shame for a woman like yourself to not be able to realise it.

At 8:26 AM, November 02, 2005, Michelle said...
Now that's exactly what the article was talking about. 'You don't want children? - there must be something wrong with you!'.I don't have any issues, my mother is wonderful, she has a great life and her husband and children love and respect her. She's a really good role model in lot's of different ways.I'm just not interested in having children. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. But the point is, it's not sad or wrong, it's a choice. Why is it sad? It's not like people who don't have children deprive themselves of love. It doesn't mean that they have to live a sad and lonely existence.No doubt my brother will have kids, and so will a lot of my friends. Whenever i feel the need I can be 'aunty costi' take the kids out to the zoo for a day, load them up on sugar and then send them home. I'll be the one that travels the world, has a career working somewhere cool like the UN, and spoils other people's kids rotten everytime i visit. Then when the small ones start to cry or the teenage ones start to sulk and shout... i can go home!Sounds like a great plan to me. I don't need anyone elses approval, but it's really interesting to see people's opinion on the matter.Maybe i'm helping to save the world from over population... if only more people would be so selfless... haha j/k.

At 10:32 AM, November 02, 2005, A. J. Chesswas said... That's cool, it's good to hear the thoughts of a nullipar, a species that truly baffles me!

posted by ... @ 10:10 AM